It’s a horrible thing to witness. When your sweet child has enough courage to walk up to another child and say those sweet words — those quintessential childhood words…
Do you want to play with me?
You hold your breath watching this exchange take place. You have faith that the answer will be a resounding yes. But then it happens. The other kid, with a long pause and a blank stare, turns around and walks away. You can actually see the heartbreak on your kid’s face. But they bravely pretend it never happened and go back to playing independently.
But, you. You, mom. You are so mad… and disappointed. Why? WHY. Who says no? What kind of parents does this kid have that they teach their children to be so cruel? Ok, that may be over the top, but seriously, it seems like this should be a basic lesson — be nice, the more the merrier, and include everyone.
So what do you do as the mom observing? This is a BIG lesson — the beginning of thickening the skin of your own child because eventually, they are going to be sad and come to you and say, “Why won’t so-and-so play with me?” What do you say? Because, in all honesty, you have no idea why another child wouldn’t want to play with yours.
“Well, sweetie, he was too busy” or, “Maybe they had enough kids for their game” or, “Maybe he thinks you are the weird kid.” BAH -read: Mom’s worst fear.
So begins the diversion. “How about we get a snack?” Or, “Mommy will play with you.” We all know the answer to Mommy will play with you: NO!
This is easy with a 4-year-old, sort of. A lollipop can make everything better. But a 7-year-old? This is traumatic (well, traumatic for me; for them, it’s still pretty upsetting). Do you really get into a conversation with a first grader? I find in those moments when the time is right that yes, you should. “Not everyone will be your friend. Not everyone will want to play what you want to play. But you just keep being you. And if someone doesn’t want to play with you, what do you do? Find somebody else.”
I think my first grader has had his epiphany. He goes and finds someone else. But it took awhile. And there were always tears, and then the, I just want to go home! There is nothing more painful than watching your child’s heart break, and we are ONLY just finishing first grade! We have so many more lessons to learn. And I have a 4-year-old daughter who is already creeping into the mean girl stage… SHE’S 4!!
So what do we do?? What is the lesson for parents here? Aside from the diversions and the reassuring that he or she does have friends and kids do want to play with them (just not today, apparently), how do we handle this situation that probably happens a hundred times a day on the playground?
Ironically, while I was writing this post, fellow JMB Contributor Cassy wrote a post about being a hands-off parent. For her, that means letting her kids figure things out for themselves. It made me question what kind of parent I am. Am I hands-off? I will admit that when I had only one child, I was NOT. I followed that kid everywhere he went and picked him up every time he fell. Even when my daughter was younger, she was always in my sight line. But now that they are older, I’ve taken several steps back. I let them play in the backyard without me (I know, whoa, right?). I let them swim in the community pool without me having to get in. (This is sort of a right of passage in Motherhood. The summer you don’t have to get in the pool with your kids! They can swim, I swear it.) And of course, I let them explore the playground on their own — climb to the highest point and talk to kids they’ve never met.
They fall, they cry, they get their feelings hurt. This is life. I can’t solve every problem for them, and I shouldn’t. I do not hover. I AM watching. But I am watching how they handle situations that will just make them stronger. So find somebody else to play with kids, find somebody else.
