Mom, Why Are You So Mad?

 

Mom

Mom, why are you so mad?

Those few words coming out of the mouth of my tiny little girl who just turned three; heartbreaking.

I wasn’t even “mad.” It was just another day. She was sitting on the potty and I had gone in to pick up the toy she dropped, for the third time. I must have let out a big sigh, which is what prompted her to ask me that question in her sweet little voice.

I immediately changed my attitude and put her little cheeks in my hands and said;

I’m not mad! Why do you think I’m mad, sweetheart?

Because you went like this; huuuuuuhhhh. (her impression of my big sigh). Did I mention she is only three?

After I had reassured her I wasn’t mad, I left her (still on the potty) and sat back down. I felt horrible. My three-year-old can already sense my frustration. I thought about why I let out that big sigh. Was it only because it was the third time I had to go into the bathroom to pick up her toy?

The truth is lately I’ve been “mad” a lot. I lose my joy often during the day. It comes and goes, but mostly goes. It’s a horrible thing to admit. I don’t think I’m depressed. I just think Motherhood is hard.

I have two kids. My son is only five (and a half). It’s July, the middle of summer vacation and it’s been what seems like forever since I’ve had a break. My husband helps A LOT. He is basically ON as soon as he gets home. But I am still here…. I can still hear the screaming and the kids are still climbing all over me.

Brendan and Audrey

Perfect little angels.

So why AM I so frustrated? I should be grateful. I have two pretty amazing kids. They are smart, adorable, and mine. Will you think I’m a b*tch if I say it’s because I am just so damn tired of the same sh*t every day? The spilled everything on the floor, the toys everywhere ALL.THE.TIME., the in and out of the car and screaming over WHAT? Not the right snack, not the toy he wanted, the dropped whatever in the car while we’re driving from the amazing place I just took them to. Anyone would start to feel a little less happy when you give and give and give because it is expected of you and it’s your “job.” And you LOVE to give. You LOVE being a mom. You LOVE your kids. But it flushes down the toilet when the littles start with the same crap over and over again. (rant over)

It’s so true, though. It can drive a person insane. But even worse? My kids will start to take after me. I’ve already seen my five-year-old lose his cool over nothing. The first thing I think is–is he picking this up from me?

So how do I fix this? What can I do to not feel so “mad” and more importantly, make sure my kids don’t pick it up either. I NEVER want my kids to think I’m just a grump moving through the motions to get through the day. And I don’t want to feel that way either.

Well, I’ve done it all. Took a deep breath and counted to four; made sure I had some time to myself; vented to friends about my frustrations with “momhood.” I make sure I take the time to be present with my kids. I’ll get down on the floor and play just like Dad (although I can only last 10 minutes and the last five are torture). Of course, I close the laptop, turn off the phone and just listen to them. They have amazing stories, and I love to hear what they have to say. I’ve done stuff just for me, hired a sitter to make sure I can get all the things done so those “things” don’t interfere with my time with them. It all works. Some days more than others but these are the steps I take to make mom life a bit less stressful.

Bottom line, it’s just hard. And some days I think I am a terrible mom. But I guess that’s just part of motherhood. It ebbs and flows, and we have ups and downs. We never know if we’re doing it “right.” But I know I am blessed with healthy children, and I hug them tight knowing that. And at the end of the day, even when I let out that big sigh, I love being their mom.

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37 Responses to Mom, Why Are You So Mad?

  1. Casey Jul 23, 2015 at 8:39 am #

    This is seriously my life right now. I have two (2.5 and 5mo). Thank you for sharing. I thought I was just terrible.

  2. Me too Jul 23, 2015 at 8:59 am #

    I have a 2.5 year and a 5 month old too!!! I work full time but feel exactly the same. It’s bad on weekends because I have to cram maintaining the house and quality time together and when they melt down when I’m trying to enjoy my time with them I want to scream. Don’t they KNOW I’m trying to enjoy them the only two days I can see them in daylight hours?!?! LOL I keep telling myself that it is hard which is why there are so many blogs, books and stereotypical jokes about motherhood. And I’m making memories…even if they aren’t all “perfect” times.

  3. MissCaron Jul 23, 2015 at 10:21 am #

    Kudos to you for admitting what everyone is thinking… motherhood is hard. Damn hard. As excited as I am to be starting this journey I also know that I’ve never been the most patient person to begin with and I know that I will have an exceptionally hard time having to be “on” all the time. Make sure you give yourself a break as often as possible. If you can afford it, enroll them in summer camp. It will wear them out and make the time you spend with them that much better. Keep up the good work, momma! XO

  4. Leslie Jul 23, 2015 at 3:25 pm #

    I needed to read this today. Perfectly timed. Thanks for your honesty, mama.

    • Mariana Coudrain Jul 27, 2015 at 4:53 pm #

      Me too!!

  5. Ann Jul 23, 2015 at 4:45 pm #

    Question for you Vicky: Are you an introvert or extrovert? I think introverts find that being constantly “on” and “present” with other people (even your own kids) is very draining, and I have struggled with what you are describing, too. I don’t mean to imply that extroverts don’t feel the same way sometimes, but, by definition, extroverts recharge their batteries by being with others, while introverts need time alone to recharge. As a mother of young children, being alone to recharge might not happen often enough throughout the day. Just my 2 cents…

    • Vicky Jul 23, 2015 at 5:11 pm #

      Interesting. I am definitely on the border but lean more on the introverted side. I definitely need alone time! I would agree with your suggestion 🙂

    • erica Sep 14, 2017 at 1:16 pm #

      This article today and this comment were so what I needed. Lost my cool today when the 3yr old threw his beads instead of picking them up like he was asked, and then he laughed. Yikes. I think I need more recharge time, just don’t know where to fit it in 🙂 Thanks for the honesty and help mamas. Makes me feel less alone!

  6. Me Three! Jul 23, 2015 at 6:34 pm #

    How refreshing! Today was my day 1 on a journey to be more aware of my kids instead of just going through the motions in an angry and irritated state! So glad to know I’m not alone…and not the only one fearing screwing up my kids!

  7. Jena Jul 24, 2015 at 7:03 am #

    Such great sentiments here. I was just thinking about a lot of the things you mention – especially how my kids seem to be following my lead with flying off the handle!!! Glad to know I’m not the only one. Great article, Vicky!!!

  8. Kathy Jul 24, 2015 at 10:58 am #

    I agree with the extrovert/introvert theory – and I’m definitely just slightly over on the extrovert side. I grew up in a large family so alone time was always at a premium! There were Mother’s days, when my kids were little, that my ‘gift’ was to go to the beach by myself and chill! I’d stop and get a magazine, a big cold drink, a snack and just ahhhhhh. You have to take those moments when you can get them! You are completely normal – kids are born with very selfish tendencies. They don’t care what you want, what you need. When they come out it is all about them and feeding them, changing them, holding them, soothing them. Transitioning them from everyone being focused on ‘them’ to THEM focusing on you is tough. It takes a little bit! Hang in there! All of you! It’s over too soon!

  9. Jen Jul 26, 2015 at 4:21 pm #

    I could have written this word for word. Thanks for putting it out and reminding me we are all human, this IS hard and everyone is really going to be okay 🙂

  10. Courtney Jul 26, 2015 at 10:26 pm #

    Just what i needed. My daughter is 2.5 and my twin girls are 2 months. My sweet big girl gets the brunt of “mean mommy” and i feel like I’m apologizing every day. Glad I’m not alone in always trying to be better at this motherhood business.

  11. Kara Jul 27, 2015 at 8:56 am #

    Thank you for this. I was really struggling with this just this morning. I have a 2 year old son and getting him dressed lately has been a huge struggle. There was so much tension and frustration this morning and I ended up in tears feeling like the worst mom ever. I’m trying not to react so much to my frustration but I do- and I end up yelling and I don’t want it to be this. I feel so much better knowing others feel the same!

  12. Carla Jul 27, 2015 at 10:51 am #

    This is me exactly. I don’t want my kids to be like me in this way, yet I can’t seem to change me. I get frustrated. I yell. I feel like I stay on the verge of angry, frustrated, or exasperated all the time. I work out of the home 40 hrs a week, so I beat myself up for not even being able to remain calm, cool and collected those evening hours and weekend hours I spend with them!

  13. Mel Jul 27, 2015 at 12:15 pm #

    Thanks for this article! I thought I was the only one who felt this way at times. It is so draining to pick up the house, what seems like 50 times a day and still have a mess everywhere. I also love being a Mom to my 6, 5, and 1 yr old, but it is hard. It’s hard to feel like I’ve accomplished nothing day after day. I love not having a schedule in the summer, but really I am looking forward to September and having 2 kids in school. This Momma needs a break;)

  14. Lisa Jul 27, 2015 at 10:21 pm #

    Thank you so much for posting this. I started to cry reading it. This is so my life. It can be so hard when others just don’t understand – I already feel horrible about it. I am relieved to hear I am not alone. Thank you for sharing!

  15. Jill Jul 27, 2015 at 11:24 pm #

    Thank you so much for your honesty! I have felt like this so much! I have a 3 year old boy and a 17 month old girl. They are my world but I find them so exhausting. Just last week I slid into the corner of the kitchen cabinets and cried because I just felt like the most horrible mom. Im angry all the time for such little stuff. Today was a good day thank you Jesus! I’m hoping for more of those. I just never knew it was this hard to be a mom.

  16. Deborah Jul 28, 2015 at 12:17 am #

    I have felt the same way! But I can tell you all that it will get better. I notice a lot of the moms posting here have young kids. My girls are now 6 and 8. They have reached an age where I can finally reason with them. When you feel like you’re getting mad, try to remember that this is just a phase 🙂

  17. Lily Jul 28, 2015 at 11:28 am #

    I agree with the introvert/extrovert idea. I am an introvert and always having to be “on” is mind numbing at times. My husband is an introvert too, so we are always volleying for our own me time. I also wonder if this generation of children do not get out to play in the neighborhood all day long like my generation did. I’m sure that gave my mom a huge break that moms today don’t have.

  18. Angela Jul 28, 2015 at 1:23 pm #

    This is me, too. You’re right, it is hard. But I also think you’re probably an introvert, like me. People drain our energy, regardless of their size. And while I have plenty of alone time to recoup, some days it’s still not enough. My family always think I’m angry and I’m not. I do the sigh all the time! We’re going to be fine!

  19. Kaia Jul 28, 2015 at 1:41 pm #

    We take lots of video of good days. And fun activities and when i find I am losing my joy, I sit and watch them with my toddler… She loves it and it reminds me to just be. I am so blessed to get to be home with her.. It’s been difficult while pregnant for sure, but I grew up watching both my parents work and struggle and drop the little ones off at day care to be raised by strangers… I get to raise my babies! I get to choose their influences and watch them learn new skills.

    My husband is responsible but also loads of fun and he once said to me, “if I’m not having fun, I’m dying”. This got me thinking about my own life value statement. . If I’m not making magic, I’m dying.. For me this is creative foods, kombucha, herbal teas, art, clothing… So I found ways to fit these things in my day and invite my toddler to help.. If I can see something that was created in our joy regularly, I am quicker to be at peace. As a mom, it is our job to lead by example… I have to live my passions so my children will not be afraid to live theirs. What is your passion and how can you invite your children to watch you flourish? It also helps for me to have music in my home while I work.. Incense and oils and a room that electronics are not allowed.. I find that life is better for my whole family when I am doing me! It is hard.. And hard work takes daily ritual to accomplish.. You are blessed and you are a blessing to those babies! Make some magic with them!

  20. Phoenix Jul 28, 2015 at 3:31 pm #

    Wow, I can’t wait to be a stay home mommy! And that is not sarcastic at all! Because, honestly, I am already at home, I see my kids needs, the 13 year old drama queen who “needs” all the latest, greatest expencive things to “fit in with friends” but really is silently begging to be told that she is good enough just as she is! My 9 year old son who takes after his father’s husky build and my introverted side and can be overly emotional if he gets too much attention, but what he really wants is quality time, one on one with mom or dad, when he isn’t sandwiched between his sisters. The little sister, my 3 year old, who is a spit-fire “I can do anything” girl who thinks she is just as big as the others and gets into more trouble than an army of kids! Trust me, I know, I run a daycare! So even though I am home everyday, there is a half dozen other kids in my house, jumping on my furniture, screaming that they’re hungry, begging to go outside, while I’m changing somebody’s diaper, handprints on the windows, boogers on the couch, wet spots on the carpet (that nobody knows how it happened), late kids coming in during meal time, parents stopping by to pick up early during nap time, the 3 year old who thinks they don’t have to nap anymore while having a screaming meltdown and yawning between every word, I cannot go to the bathroom by myself, outside by myself, or even upstairs to my bedroom and leave the kids out of sight. Yes, my husband does help, when he gets home, but that usually isn’t until 10 or 11 at night. He also owns his own business and is gone 16 to 18 hours a day, and sometimes he is the only one who can put our 3 year old to sleep. Sometimes I feel bad that he has to come home after a long day, completely exhausted and burned out then deal with the mess in our house, broken things or “what is that wet spot on the couch” as I hand over the kids, stressed to the max myself! He knows better than to ask why nothing got done all day when I have been home, what was I doing, sitting on my butt all day?! And we laugh about the myth that daycare providers make a lot of money 🙂 do you know how many times a day 8 kids 5 and under can flush a toilet? Do you know how many times they flush the toilet to get an entire roll of toilet paper down? I have a goldfish that I named trash can because everytime I go to throw food away he comes over to the side of the tank thinking he is hungry, pretty sure I could feed an entire starving country with the amount of waste we get! Then there is the electric bill, ha ha! They thought they were so smart, they add a little segment on the bill that shows how your usage compares to other houses in the area, it is obviously to guilt trip you into using less electricity. Our bill is a hundred and fifty times more then our neighbors. Of course, the “neighbor’s” house they put on there is imaginary because I’m pretty sure the houses next door are not less than half the square footage of ours! Man, I feel for the Duggars! I can say I’m glad I only have 3, there are rough days and there are easy days, but the days that all the rest to go home and I am only caught up in a whirlwind of soccer, archery, gymnastics, swimming lessons, Girl and Boy Scouts, and social outings for the kids, I am thankful I only have three to put to bed at night. So on that thought, I will lick the chocolate off my fingers, flush the toilet (so they think I was actually using the bathroom), unlock the door and go see who isn’t sleeping for today’s nap time! Someday, I will be a stay at home mom, then someday, I will have the free time to start my own blog! 😉 Keep you chin up, the grass isn’t always green over here!

  21. DeAnnica Jul 29, 2015 at 4:36 pm #

    It’s great that you’re so honest. Motherhood full time is hard and exhausting and so is keeping up the house. I felt like I was reading my own life story. If we could stop shaming each other as mom’s on our accomplishments or lack thereof, I’m sure we’d all admit it is not easy.

  22. Amy Jul 29, 2015 at 5:21 pm #

    Thank you,Thank you,Thank you,Thank you,Thank you for writing this.

  23. Ashley Jul 30, 2015 at 9:29 pm #

    I have to tell you that I rarely read blog posts about motherhood that really resonates with me BUT your words describe my exact thoughts and emotions. I feel beyond blessed to have two little ones (2 1/2 & 6) but it is hard sometimes…a lot of the time but it’s ok to admit being a mommy is tough and just as equally rewarding. Thanks for your post!

  24. Aubrey Jul 31, 2015 at 2:53 pm #

    Thank you for this post. I have a 3 and 1 year old and I can relate to every single thing you said. And I repeat- EVERY. SINGLE. THING!
    Somedays I feel like I need to be working or doing something else bc I feel like “maybe this stay at home gig just isn’t for me?” But then I think, “the grass isnt always greener on the other side” and if I HAD to work, I would prob wish I could be at home with my kids everyday, enjoying every fleeting moment and appreciating the things we get to do. EVEN the days that are stressful, long, physically & emotionally exhausting, and down right suck.
    My son has asked me before if I was “ok” or apologized to ME bc I was “mad” it breaks my heart that a 3 year old is that in tune with the frustration I’m feeling and irritability I’m showing. SO I try to do better. I try to be a better example of what I want my kids to see and emulate and I try to remember to stay positive and brush things off bc little eyes are watching and ears are listening to every frickin thing I’m doing!!! Mommyhood is not an easy job and I learn lessons from my kids almost every day. 🙂

  25. Julie Sep 2, 2015 at 5:39 pm #

    Wow, I can not relate to this more. This is exactly how I feel with my five and 10 month old. Thanks for writing this – I find it is really hard for others to understand when I feel this way and now I know there are others! Hang in there – I’m sure you are a fab mom. We are all just trying to do the best we can do.

  26. Debbie Sep 7, 2015 at 1:02 am #

    I was reading about myself when reading your article. It was ME exactly.

    Until I read it, I actually thought I had a problem. I feel better knowing other moms go through this and it’s perfectly normal. Thank you for sharing. I’ve been very conscientious lately around my children and have been making it a point not to sweat the small stuff in life. I focus on how fast they will grow up and that one day I will be their second choice to their friends, then I will be wishing they were little again……

  27. Andrea Dec 6, 2015 at 2:50 pm #

    I agree that Morherhood is tough and too many people are afraid to say that out loud.
    My suggestion – go back to your full time job. I could never be a GREAT stay at home Mommy – no matter how much I’d value the time, I know myself well enough to know that I’m not cut out for it.
    For me to be the BEST mom I can be, I need my career. Then, when I come home I try to be 100% on.
    But I travel for work, and otherwise work in an office outside of the home. I enjoy keeping a sense of my self that’s away from my husband and kiddos – but yet I know the time and energy I give there away from them, is benefitting them and us as a family.
    Maintaining a life outside of motherhood helped me be a better mom and maybe this would benefit you as well.

  28. Le Jul 29, 2017 at 1:38 pm #

    This is exactly how I feel most of the time lately. 🙁 Glad to know i am not alone.

  29. Darlene Jul 30, 2017 at 4:31 pm #

    I’m sure a lot of people think this way but in my case it’s a mix of anxiety and depression. Anxiety can resonate as rage and making big deal over little things like a toy being dropped three times or blaming other people for something that frustrated you. Since you mind is just going going it need some sort of release and that emotion can be just getting mad
    Medication has helped me a little but really just accepting anxiety with be a part of my life forever has been more helpful. Work on it everyday. Try to find the joy in things even if you can’t wake up the next day and try again. Every day wake up and forgive yourself for getting mad or for a sigh and try again. We can hold ourselves responsible for every little thing or realize were human and just trying to make it through life and raise good human beings. That is a huge task!

  30. Cate Jul 30, 2017 at 8:30 pm #

    Are you in my brain? Because it feels like you’re in my brain. Thank you for putting my life into words. I so wish there was a magic answer to get rid of the “mads,” but I’m afraid you’re right; it’s just part of life right now. Being aware of the struggle should certainly help minimize it, though, right? Worth a shot.

  31. Kelly Aug 2, 2017 at 6:32 am #

    You’re awesome. And so right too! Mommyhood is so hard sometimes! We’re all in this together. And you’re right- we all deserve a little break sometimes to just breathe.

  32. Sal Aug 4, 2017 at 11:40 pm #

    I so needed this today, thank you. I lost my sh*t in public with my 3 kids (8, 6 and 3). Like in the middle of a large crowd with everybody staring at me, I have never felt so ashamed but I just honestly couldn’t handle one more whine or tattle or begging me for something. I apologized to my kids but I know I’ll hold onto the guilt that my kids will only remember me getting mad at an event that was suppose to be fun. This helped me at least realize that sometimes all Moms just lose it over dealing with the same thing day after day after day.

  33. Trisha Holbrook Aug 6, 2017 at 3:09 pm #

    Beautiful! Simply beautiful! Being a mom is hard, so hard – keep the good fight my friends!

  34. Jessica Brigante Aug 11, 2017 at 1:26 pm #

    This is so my life right now. I have a 2 year old and a 5, almost 6 year old. He is off to kindergarten soon so I am trying not to the “ahhh” kinda mom. IT IS HARD! Everything you said is so true. Thank you for being honest and putting it out there so we don’t feel alone!

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