This is Part III in a series of blog posts by the author who has chosen to stay anonymous during her fertility journey. Click to read Part I and Part II.
I feel like a failure — at IVF, that is. Last time you heard from me, we were anxiously awaiting to find out if any of my three eggs that were retrieved a few days earlier would make it past fertilization. The short answer is… no.
The long answer is one actually made it. But, that was only half the battle. We opted to have PGS testing for chromosome abnormalities. My doctor recommended this with my miscarriage history and my age. “It only takes one,” they say. So, we prayed that our one and only embryo would be normal, and we’d be preparing for a transfer a few weeks later. We were told there was about a two-week wait for the results to come back. It was around Thanksgiving, and we had a few days off, so we packed up and drove to the most magical place on Earth. On day seven of the two-week wait, the call came while we were standing in line to ride Peter Pan. I couldn’t just ignore it and wait until the following day to get the results — I had to know right then.
I could immediately tell by the tone in my doctor’s voice that the news was not good. I stood there and listened to her tell me that the embryo was abnormal; it was missing a chromosome. I don’t remember much after that. I had to excuse myself from the line, from my husband and son, and go cry it out in a corner near It’s a Small World. The rest of the day, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of resentment toward every pregnant woman I saw, selfishly not knowing or caring about any possible obstacles she may have overcome while trying to conceive. It was quite possibly the absolute last place on the planet anyone in my position would want to be right then. But I had to pull it together and make it through the day.
Since this was our first cycle, I didn’t know much, but I did know this meant we’d be starting over. Her last words on the phone were to try and not be discouraged and to take a few days to enjoy Disney and Thanksgiving. Oh, and “have a glass of wine.” It’s incredibly hard to turn your brain off and forget what you’ve just heard and go back to being hunky dory. A few hours after I hung up with the doctor, I called back and made an appointment to discuss “next steps.” I’m not great at the waiting game — I needed to know right away when and what we would do to try again.
Fast forward to today: I’m now just two days into my second IVF cycle. All that means is that I am in the egg stimulation phase (again), and inject four different drugs into my abdomen each night for about 10 days, in the hopes of a different outcome come retrieval time. The drugs are basically steroids to make you produce as many egg follicles as possible. You want to be able to retrieve the maximum amount of eggs for a few reasons:
- Your chances of at least one (or more) making it through the fertilization process are better.
- You can freeze any eggs that you don’t transfer and use them in future attempts. That means you don’t have to do the injections again since you already have some “on ice.” We only got three the first time, which is extremely low after the max dosage of drugs I was on.
During the 10 days of injections, scheduled ultrasounds and blood work every few days, we are given some indication how my body is reacting to the meds and hopefully what to expect with the impending retrieval.
Even though I have a better idea of what’s involved this go-round, it doesn’t make it any easier. My body is again a hormonal roller coaster. I don’t mind the injections — needles don’t bother me, thank goodness. It’s more the headaches, mood swings, restlessness, hot flashes and anxiety (to name a few symptoms) that really suck. Oh, and no wine either, which is just wrong.
An even more bitter pill to swallow is that my insurance doesn’t cover the medications or the surgeries — not any of it. The entire thing from start to finish is out of pocket. I really try not to think about the money, but it’s hard not to. So, I will end with something many people have said to me when they learn the cost involved for us and other hopeful couples: “It will all be worth it in the end.”
I have 2 IVF babies. I have been through 4 miscarriages, so many IUIs that I lost count, and 5 unsuccessful IVF cycles (whether failed or resulting in miscarriages). We had 12 embryos from our 2nd retrieval. Before the first transfer of this round, I was resigned to be a childless couple. I had all but given up hope and knew this was my last shot. The first one we put in TOOK. I couldn’t believe it! I literally jumped up and down. That first embryo is our 3 yo daughter. When DD #1 was 11 months old we started the process for a 2nd baby. I truly thought it would happen right away. After all, I had already carried one perfect baby (and had an easy pregnancy to boot). We tried every single embryo in batches of 2 until we were down to our last 3. For the last cycle, we put in all 3. I was resigned that if this didn’t work I would “only” be a mother of one and knew I was blessed to have one. But, two of those embryos took and we saw TWO heartbeats at 6.5 weeks…we were elated that we would have twins. We lost one at 8 weeks and later found out that we had actually had triplets for a while but had lost one at 7 weeks. We had one left and, after a high-risk high-stress pregnancy, that one surviving embryo is our 3 month old daughter. I am still baffled by the thought that we had 13 embryos and our 1st DD is the first one and our 2nd DD is the last one. God works in mysterious ways. We did not have to struggle with what to do with our “extra” embryos. Of course, the payment was the heartache of 4 miscarriages and 2 completely failed IVF cycles. We first started trying for a baby in Feb. 2009. Our first miracle baby was born in mid 2013 and our last miracle baby was born in 2016. All of this is to say that it is the most difficult and heart-wrenching thing but it truly is “worth” it. I do not think about the money (often) as our insurance did not pay for anything either (except the cheaper stuff like baby aspirin). I try to more often think about how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful girls that I know I am blessed to have.
Ask (read: demand) to be tested for MTFHR! After multiple rounds of ivf and multiple miscarriages I came upon a blog and asked to be tested! (It’s basically that your body doesn’t break down folic acid which is critical in egg development) We got pregnant naturally after figuring this out and making the correct changes! Praying for you and every other family that faces infertility. I know, infertility sucks.