Turning Into Mommy Dearest

Mommy Dearest

“I will never lose my temper and yell and curse at my child.”

“I will never throw things out of rage in front of my child.”

“I will never hit my child.”

No Wire Hangers! Remember that movie? Mommie Dearest was truly frightening… probably the first time you saw real, raw, bad parenting. Mommy Dearest was insane. She went too far. She was cold and not present for her children which poses the real question–why the hell was she SO MAD?

To compare myself to MD is slightly far-fetched. But those moments where rage takes over happen way too often–and when the moment is over–and your heart rate returns to normal–you certainly feel like you just went off the deep end.

I don’t consider myself an angry person, but motherhood has changed me. I’m not the easy going girl I used to be. My frustration comes quickly…. then the yelling… and if the little you-know-whats are really bad – the urge to spank.

Yikes. Could I turn into a spanker? I think I remember being spanked as a child…. I remember being spanked in a classroom by my second-grade teacher.. actually, I vividly remember that. I also have a memory of being chased around the house by my mother with a wooden spoon, although she will still deny that ever happened.

Regardless, the memories are there, it happened. And now I get it. And while it’s only gotten to that point a few times, I have to think that I am not alone.

My second child… oh boy. Oh, girl, I should say. A beautiful, adorable, intelligent, disrespectful, bratty little B. Yep, I said it. My toddler can be a total B.

I’m not going to go into lengthy details because, well, you know – the ten times you ask them to do something, “NO.” “Listen to Mommy, please.” “NO.” Then destruction ensues by a tiny person. Coffee tables and countertops get cleared, siblings get pushed, you get hit, doors get slammed…. You are literally left standing there, red-faced, mad as hell because this little angel-turned-demon just pulled the last straw.

That’s IT! You are GOING TO GET IT NOW!

The forceful arm grab. Owies and screams follow. The problem–not solved.

You: feeling guilty as hell–questioning your parenting style, your life, and why you are such a horrible, horrible person.

Child: crying, then apologizing in the sweetest voice with messy hair and tears.

You, again: well, you just died a little inside.

You’ve been there, I know it. Do you lose it? Do you spank? Do you yank that arm so hard and squeeze that little a-holes face and with clenched teeth and scream, “Don’t you EVER do that again.” Phew, just thinking about it gets me all worked up.

I need a minute. Mommy needs a time out–many deep breaths. I need to think about my actions. Am I a spanker?!? How can I tame my inner MD?

Well, I can stop those mommy rages. Or not. Perhaps the day she isn’t afraid of it anymore will be the day I won’t get so angry. And if the fear of just threatening stops her behavior then maybe it’s a win.

Whether I get crazy like Mommy Dearest or not, I understand that raising these little people is hard work. I am not perfect–but I am present, and I am a big part of these little lives. There are more good times then bad–it’s just that the bad are the ones we feel so guilty about.

1 COMMENT

  1. I needed this tonight. I also need some therapy and a break but neither will happen tonight, but reading this helped…thank you for putting yourself out there!

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