Even though I had never before changed a diaper, swaddled a newborn, or comforted a teething baby…I knew that my plan for my stay at home life was going to be amazing. Or was it?
It turns out that my life is nearly nothing like I had planned.
I don’t walk the dog, iron clothes, exercise, or plan amazing vacations. My kids watch more TV than I like
them to and go to part-time preschool. I’m not the amazing birthday planner I’d envisioned I would be.
I do usually manage to have a healthy dinner for our family ready soon after my husband comes home from work. (Much of the time, I feel like feeding my family is the ONLY thing I do that meets my original expectations for myself.) But despite my successes in the kitchen, our evenings are less than idyllic. While I’m cooking, the kids are not doing an educational art project… They are fighting or watching more TV or making more messes. The house is not clean. And I am not as calm and happy as I want to be.
My to do list is a mile long and gets longer by the minute. This only means I have less time to actually be the perfect mom that I want to be who enriches her children’s lives in amazing ways. And of course, there are no raises nor recognition despite the long physically and emotionally exhausting “work” days.
It turns out that I didn’t actually know myself that well. It seems that I will always break off more than I can chew. My goals will always be more lofty than they should be. And I will always stress.
My SAHM life is so much harder and messier than I ever planned for. It drives me bonkers.
Then again, there’s this…
The knees of my favorite jeans are nearly worn through. However, I know it’s a measure of the number of hugs and kisses I have knelt for.* I never knew and never planned for how much I would love to exchange hugs with my kids.
I never planned for time to seemingly slow down during the brief moments that my kids willingly wrap their tiny little arms around my neck. I never knew that the simple act of my kids wanting to hold my hand in public would momentarily pause my feelings of self-doubt, and elevate me to being the very most special person on this planet. How could they love me so much?
Usually, it’s incredibly hard to remember the joy of their hugs in the midst of the crazy that seems to consume my life. There have been so many times during this journey that I’ve doubted my decision to stay home. I’ve really wondered if I made the right choice! How would our lives be different if I was working? Would we have a nicer house? A horse? Or maybe a college savings plan? Most importantly… would I be less crazy?
But when I think about it…really think hard about it… all those extra hugs, kisses, and I love you’s that my SAHM life affords me, are worth every dollar of lost pay, every ounce of lost sanity, and every smidgen of added stress. I think I should try to remind myself of that more often!
(*In an odd twist of fate, since originally writing this post I began having knee pain. Now when I kneel it feels like I’m kneeling on a piece of glass. This is likely bursitis… also know as “housemaid’s knee.” Ack! Am I allowed to write swear words on this blog? I don’t know… but I’m thinking them.)
What made you decide to be a working mom, or a stay-at-home mom? Do you ever doubt your choice?
Megan- your post definitely resonates with me! Nothing can replace those tight hugs and public hand-holding 🙂
Thank you Jessica! It’s amazing how far a little bit of love from our kids can go!
Love this post. Currently, I just left my job to stay at home with my son…experiencing the REALITY now : )
So needed to read this today. Just had my second child three months ago and today I was questioning if its a good idea for me to even be a SAHM. And my kid totally watched to much TV. And my house is a mess. And I haven’t talked the dog in days hahaha