The daily parenting struggles people often think about are things like keeping your child safe, feeding him healthy food, or getting him to stay in bed. But there are those times parenting calls for figuring out how to navigate the not-so-black-and-white situations. A few weeks ago, my son told me that one of his good friends is moving at the end of the school year. Without thinking, I blurt out, “That happened to me; I remember when my best friend moved away in the fourth grade.” My second-grade son suddenly grew wiser than me and replied, “Really, Mom, that’s what you have to say? Is that supposed to make me feel better?” At the time, I thought it would.
These are the moments when we realize our kids just want us to listen, not offer a quick fix or a relatable story.
It has been a rollercoaster ride for my son this past school year. We moved to a new neighborhood outside of our prior school district, which meant my son had to adjust to a new home and a new school. During that time, he expressed anxiety about the transition. He was concerned about making new friends and adapting to a different school environment. We were diligent in making the transition as smooth as possible for him and made sure he knew that we acknowledged his feelings.
Likewise, with this new concern of losing a friend, we are focused on providing him emotional support. I feel that it’s important to assure him that we recognize his friend moving away is a big change and loss. There is no instant fix and he shouldn’t have to feel obligated to feel better about it right away.
Instead, our priority is working on ways to help him cope by finding solutions for him to hold onto the friendship. Fortunately, unlike when my best friend moved and we only had snail mail, today’s technology allows us several options to stay in touch, and to talk in real time.
When I asked my fellow Jax Moms Blog Contributors for advice on how they stay in touch with long-distance friends, one of the tips Meg suggested is to use a phone app called, “WhatsApp Messenger.”
Meg explained, “WhatsApp is good because you can use it internationally. Also, you only add the contacts you want in it. It’s like my daughter’s own text center, and she doesn’t go into my texts to message her friends.”
I also found similar apps like “Kids in Touch Texting for Kids” and “PlayKids Talk – Safe Chat.”
There are other types of technology available including video chatting and the normal phone call. However, if the friend is thousands of miles away, a phone call may not be ideal. Keep an eye on the technology being used by your kids when it comes to allowing them to use these devices by themselves.
Don’t rule out snail mail. It’s still an effective way to communicate long-distance. Mary Lauren offered a creative suggestion about postal mail: “It’s so fun and unexpected [mailing] silly stuff like school pictures and some extra artwork that you feel bad throwing away but you are not sure what to do with.”
Aside from finding effective ways for both parties to keep the friendship alive, below are other coping strategies I found helpful that may help if your child is going through this rough time:
Children under seven may be better off not knowing about the move until it comes closer, but some experts say tell them right away. You know your child best, so it’s your call. Kids over eight should be told as soon as possible to start adjusting to the change.
Allow your child to go through all of the emotions he may feel, from sadness to anger to acceptance.
Read books about friends moving. Instead of your experience, your child may find it more helpful to hear about other children his age experiencing a similar situation. Here is a list of books by age level and this list may be helpful, too.
Help them make keepsake memories like little gifts to exchange or a memory box full of things they have done together. You can also make digital memories. Use recording devices to create a digital scrapbook of the kids or make a traditional paper scrapbook with photos of them for your child to look at when he’s missing his friend.
Talk with the other child’s parents about planning more days to spend together before the move.
Discuss the reasons your child’s friend is moving to be sure your child understands why it may be necessary. This can help ease any of your child’s anger, resentment, or sadness about the change.
If your child can write, suggest that he write a letter to his friend and give it to him before the move.
Your child may not want to at first, but help your child be social and stay connected to other friends.
If and when your child is ready, share your stories about your own friends who have moved.
No matter what, stay positive.
I am happy that he made friends he is excited to see each school day, but now saying goodbye to one of those friends is another adjustment he’ll have to make. Children often feel like they have very little control when it comes to what happens in their life. Teaching them how to accept and cope with change is a life lesson — one of the not-so-fun parts of our jobs as a parent. We just need to remember that kids are more resilient than we think, and the best thing we can do is to be there to support them.
Have you had a similar situation happen with your child? What are some tips you can share that helped?
