Mommy Rant :: Losing the Art of Conversation

If you asked my parents to name my favorite past time growing up, I am confident talking on my phone would make the top of the list. I didn’t just talk on my Swatch Watch bubble gum pink phone–I lived on that phone. Every detail of My So Called Life was recounted with my “Be Fri” (was that broken heart necklace just a Texas thing?) as the episode unfolded, every unrequited crush was discussed ad nauseam in hope that my love life had not ended before it started and maybe there was a blip of conversation about homework and other useless things.

Regardless, my phone was glued to my ear for the better half of my teenage years, and I never felt more at home than in my room, cord wound around my pinky gabbing to my girlfriends. I literally believed the world was smiling on all teenagers with the invention of call waiting, the ability to take two phones calls at one time…pure bliss.

Fast forward to motherhood…

…I cannot seem to conduct a full-fledged conversation on my cell phone for the life of me. I have decided that embedded inside every smartphone is not the most sophisticated technology as advertised, but rather a good ol’ fashioned magnet that only attracts small children that share your DNA. Mothers everywhere will agree, the more important the call, the greater the pull.

As a mother and now stay-at-home working mom that requires some professional conversations, phone calls are no longer what they used to be…relaxing, effortless and (gasp) focused conversations. A modern motherly phone call is H.A.R.D.

H is for HIDING. If the call has any chance of survival, a mother must go into hiding. Maybe she starts a show for her children, then like a ninja–she disappears into the garage or even a closet to start dialing as the siblings are happily playing dress up in the playroom.

A is for AGREEMENT. The phone rings, tripping the mommy-magnet, her offspring begins to track her. Once found, the negotiations begin. With one hand on the microphone so as not to alert the person on the line that they no longer have her attention, a mother uses her bargaining skills to formulate a lightning fast agreement in which she mentally surrenders to sugary treats and unlimited Nick Jr. in exchange for the elusive five more minutes… an eternity in”me” time.

R is for RACE. Five more minutes never happens in the real world, and mom knows the race to the dial tone begins. Springing into action, Mom is forced to dart around the house. Dodging toys and toddlers in an effort to contribute a few focused words towards the conversation. She speedily spits out her speech keeping one eye out for the next obstacle realizing this is more intense than the workout she had at the gym earlier.

D is for DONE. In the blink of an eye, the conversation that barely got started has ended. Mommy is completely ADD. She can’t remember who is she is talking to or why she is on the phone. She is mumbling okay which makes sense both to the party on the phone and her children who are pawing anxiously at her because they no longer care about that bribe (aka agreement b/c moms have enough guilt), now they only want to play with the phone. Mom is cursing all things ‘app.’ Who cares that they buy you time at the grocery store or the airplane or that some are supposedly educational. In actuality, these games rob you of it tenfold when it’s time to make a call.

This Chatty-Cathy may have seen the last of her marathon phone calls, but where something is lost, much is gained. Those lazy phone calls of yore were spent fantasizing about life and the future. I no longer have time to talk (or be presentable but I digress) because I am living the dream.

With the love of my life by my side, I spend my days raising two spunky, fun-loving daughters and giving my spare time to teaching fitness and writing which is exactly what I had hoped I would be doing. Before I lose you, I’ll be the first to admit it ain’t anywhere near perfect, and there are more days than I like to admit that end in tears. But I am a proud mama. In fact, that’s the real reason I want to gab, right?

I believe as mothers one of the most valuable lessons to learn and to teach is to be present. Even though a phone call with another adult seems like a life vest when you are drowning in diapers, feedings, and playdates, there will be more time for that in the future. The days our children are young are numbered, and all the research shows how formative these years are so we need to make them count.

As for those business calls, clients need to understand that email is the best way to get a hold of working mother, period. Mothers everywhere will agree–we can’t always talk but man we can text with the best of them!