Losing Myself to Motherhood

I stopped getting my hair done.

It’s been almost two years since I last got my hair cut or colored. And man, does it need both. Pregnancy hormones did something funky and turned my hair dark. And it’s grown out so much, it won’t get any longer because my ends just keep breaking off. I stopped going to the salon because I couldn’t afford $150 every 6-8 weeks. Let me rephrase that… I don’t like spending $150 on myself for something that gets pulled back in a #messybun 95% of the time. So I think that money would be better used for, I don’t know, groceries and electricity. That’s just how my mind works.

Well today, I looked at myself and thought, “What happened to me?” My hair is lifeless, my skin is appalling, and I’ve plateaued at a weight that I never thought I would be (granted, I’m nowhere near where I was a year ago). I wear lounge clothes with stains and holes in them all day. But the girl from four years ago would probably cringe at the sight of who she became.

I’ve let myself go.

I stay at home and take care of two people — my kid and husband. I love it. But why did I stop taking care of myself? Why don’t I think I’m a priority, too?

I’ll give you a hint: It’s two words.

Mommy guilt.

It exists, and I am the biggest culprit of it for myself. I’m constantly judging what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. If I’m pampering myself, I feel like I’ve let my son and husband down somehow.

I can’t explain it other than this: When you become a mom, NOTHING is as important as that child you brought into this world. It’s an undying, unfaltering, unconditional love that can only be understood once you become a parent. Because of that love, putting that child first in your life is just automatic.

That’s what happened to me. I live for my son to make sure he’s fed, happy, clothed, learning, growing, healthy, and loved. That’s a full-time job in itself (so for those who are working moms, BLESS YOU, because I absolutely have no idea how you do it). Because of that full-time job, I have put myself on the back burner and let myself go.

Some may say that’s nutso. I get that. But I consider it personal growth. Four years ago, all I did was care about what (or who) I was wearing and how I looked. My priorities have changed, and I’m 99% okay with it.

Of course, there are days where I wish I was super skinny, had my blonde hair and good skin back, but that’s not who I am anymore. I’m a yoga pants, no makeup, messy bun, T-shirt-wearing mama.

I’ll go back to pampering myself one day when my son doesn’t need me as much. But I’m okay with who I’ve become, because I’m exactly who (and how) my son needs me to be.

About the Author

Sarah Lynch is Jacksonville-born and Northeast Florida-raised, and is the wife of an amazing husband and father, James, and mama to an energetic and loving little 2-and-a-half-year-old boy, William. After college, she spent a year in Germany as an au pair and traveled Europe. When she returned home, Sarah became a legal assistant then a high school teacher all before landing her favorite job — being a stay-at-home mom. Sarah enjoys blogging, cooking, gardening, traveling, and eating an unnecessary amount of chocolate. Her blog, The SAHMpreneur, is dedicated to making the most of the #sahmlife. You can read her blog here and follow her on Instagram @sarahnlynch.