True Life: I Don’t Have Sex

It’s not that I don’t want to have sex–because I really do. It’s just the person I’m married to does not.

I am certain he loves me–he just doesn’t love to make love. No, it hasn’t always been this way. When we started dating, we would have sex a few times a week. Things changed when we got engaged. I know I sound like a guy when I say this, but things changed when he put a ring on my finger. We started making love less and less. I thought it was because the stress of the impending wedding and we had just purchased our first home–it seems like I became good at finding excuses why he didn’t want me sexually.

He never wanted to talk about it. He would roll over and go to sleep. He would say that I was “too horny,” and my sex drive was unnatural. The most affection I would receive would be a hug before bed and a peck on the lips. He even joked once that he would be fine if I slept with someone else if that would mean I left him alone. (Of course, I didn’t do that.)

We would make love once every few months those first years of marriage. A few years later, I became pregnant with our first child. I can tell you the day I got pregnant and under what circumstances, that’s how infrequent our sex life was. I can actually pinpoint the date and time. Like many couples, sex becomes an afterthought after the birth of a baby. Combine that with our lack of sleep and there was no way my sexual needs were going to be met. Yes, I was exhausted with a newborn, but I still longed for my husband.

A few years later, our second child arrived (once again I could pinpoint the exact day I got pregnant). Of course, things didn’t improve. The only time I could hope to get some satisfaction would be those 30-45 minutes after he fell asleep. He would half-way wake up and have his way with me. Then he would roll over and go to sleep. He said he never remembered anything the next day. I did some research and found out that in some men, their libido is highest during that period of sleep. Even so, you can imagine what that does to a woman’s self-esteem. Her husband only has sex with her when he’s sleeping. I concluded that I would take it however I could get it.

A friend once asked me if I thought he was having an affair. I have to say I am certain he isn’t. He’s a great father and wonderful provider. He’s just not sexual. AT ALL. And yes–I’ve tried lingerie, alcohol, foreplay. You name it, I’ve tried everything. I am sure there are therapists that could help us, but he will not seek counseling for this. To him, it is not a big deal at all. So I have just come to the conclusion that one cannot simply have everything their heart desires. I crave a certain intimacy that I have concluded I will never have with him. I long for the connection that most married couples have. The fact is, he defines intimacy as cuddling, hugging, and honesty. I define it on a much more physical level.

Why am I sharing these intimate details of my marriage with the world? Because there must be women who are in the same situation as me. To those wives longing for a sexual relationship with your husband, you are not alone.

38 COMMENTS

  1. I cried reading this. I’m in an extremely similar situation–we live together but aren’t married yet–and I’m terrified of acceptance. My love language is touch and sex once every month or two has left me really struggling with head vs heart. I know he loves me, he’s very verbal about it and I can see him trying…but my heart still needs that intimate touch. He simply doesn’t want to have sex…and also doesn’t feel like it’s “bad enough” to go see anyone over it. I love him very much, but this is taking such a toll on me and to be honest I’m not really sure if I can live a truly happy, sexless life…as bad as that may sound.

  2. I read the article, and you can check off everything in the list even the joke. I tried so many things (except medical advice), nothing seemed to work and I even gave up on. Luckly, I decided to try and find the root of the problem and it worked! I began to think back “What was going on differently then? “…. Because this wasn’t always like this. Well once I was more like the person I used to be before (in appearance and in bed) and then I took it up a notch (even with 2 kids later) was when he responded the way I had been wanting.

  3. I feel like I literally could have written this. I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone. I have wondered about his libido, and if he might be in denial about being gay. Idk. Just good to know I’m not alone, and you’re not either. A good man is a good man, and we all have our downfalls. I hope you find the satisfaction you are looking for with your husband some day soon.

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