Behind Closed Doors: When Sibling Rivalry Rears Its Ugly Head

My husband texted he was on the way home. Before I could even blink, I responded in all caps “THANK GOODNESS” followed by a juvenile string of emojis because letters alone cannot illustrate the sheer terror of my desperation. Sibling rivalry had pushed me into a string of purple devils, orange frowns, panicked wide eyes and shocked ghost-like faces with hands on cheeks. I even had to throw in a bomb or two because I was about to explode… kinda like my dream of my two girls being best friends every moment of every day in loving sisterhood. Behind closed doors for at least one hour every single day, all hell is breaking loose in our family. Sibling rivalry has turned our playroom into a war room.

Siblings

A couple of months ago, summer sounded so idyllic. I mean who didn’t want a break from the rigid school schedule, extracurriculars and a chance to get out of town? The final school bell rang, and I was ready. We started off strong in June. Each girl picked an activity from the good ole’ summer bucket list. Then we transitioned into summer camp mode. I didn’t throw both of them in a camp so I could savor my alone time at a coffee shop or get all my errands done without kids in tow. No, this super mom went so far as giving my girls alternating summer camps. Each daughter had one-on-one time and space from each other. Despite my best efforts, the beginning of the end started in those post-camp afternoons.

Easy car ride conversations quickly morphed into a competition. Innocent questions like what did you do turned into an “I had more fun than you” battle of epic proportions. Whispers in the backseat escalated into cries of that’s unfair and tears! Y’all seatbelts weren’t even done yet! I’ve never been more thankful for that hour I allotted for screen time every day to simmer things down.

I needed that hour of peace to survive the dreaded witching hour. The heat traps you indoors, empty stomachs moan, dinner plans loom over your head, and you still have to wash all those wet, sandy, mildewing towels. I still remember the years I had a crying baby on my hip and a non-stop talking toddler hanging on my leg from 4-6 PM while I supposedly cooked. Veteran moms told me then the witching hour won’t last forever. Liars–all of them. It is when the big kid’s claws come out. From 4-6, I am not a mom. I am a glorified referee. Throwing this girl in the corner and that girl in the other. I try to suggest activities, backyard games, books and/or crafts (okay so not really but whatever) to no avail. There’s shrieking, whining, occasionally hitting and timeouts. I never stare at the clock more than those couple of hours. Watching and waiting. Waiting and watching. When oh when will my reinforcement walk through the door?!?

Don’t talk to me about problem solving because I’ve tried it all. We take turns, we have “alone time,” incentive charts, one-on-one dates and on the worst days they wear me down into bribery and taking their favorite toys hostages. Now that school’s started, we have homework to do. Silly me actually thought a mandatory focused activity might help them call a truce. Ha! Instead, it’s created more chaos. I am torn between two different assignments trying to help one girl while the other makes an unauthorized visit to her sister’s room to play with her toys. Once the rightful owner hears her thieving sister playing, she drops everything to reclaim what is rightfully hers. My blood pressure rises with their tension. Just when I think I can’t take anymore, they’ll have five minutes of sweet sisterhood that gives me hope that sibling rivalry won’t ruin my girls.

I was starting to let their totally normal sibling spats get the best of me. The arguments were quickly clouding the moments of pure love they do show each day. Honestly, I was letting it make me feel like a failure until a wiser mom gave me the best advice I’ve heard in a while. Make sure my focus is on the positive behavior. If I spend the majority of my time emphasizing the negative then so will they.

Despite the tiffs, my girls will help each other clean up, put on a fashion show and share a book together at bedtime. If one trips, the other gets the boo boo bag. My oldest loves to dish out advice to her lil’ sis and always insists on walking her into school. She is the first to help her if she is scared to do something. The more I acknowledge these moments of sibling harmony, the more likely they are to occur again.

Truth, they will not get along every minute of every day, and that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with any of us. Why am I letting that cast doubt on my success as a parent? See conflict as an opportunity to learn priceless relationship tools. My job as a mother is to show them this is what families do. We love through the good, the bad and even the dreaded witching hour. We butt heads with each other but we also forgive each other and move on. Sibling rivalry may actually be the best situation to teach children conflict resolution skills, patience, and forgiveness. They won’t be the only ones learning either. I’m sure I’ll still need my emojis to help relieve stress, but I will not let sibling rivalry get the best of them or me anymore.

Mary Lauren Eubank
Mary-Lauren is a curly-haired Texan in the trenches of motherhood with two sassy and entertaining daughters. A busy body in the truest sense, she teaches fitness classes all week at Define Jacksonville. To stay sane, Mary-Lauren requires a daily dose of dark chocolate, unwinds with a page-turner and folds laundry watching just the kind of reality TV that she will forbid her girls from watching in the future. A wannabe foodie, she loves to learn about, prepare, experiment and indulge in all things food…well except the shopping part with kids in tow. She blogs about all things fitness from debunking the latest trends to goal setting, Mary-Lauren is passionate about being active, being real and being healthy!

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